Sleeping like a Zombie

These past few nights (four nights to be exact) I’ve been having difficulty sleeping. Gone were the restful nights of peace and eagerness to sleep. In my mind there was only one thing to blame for such misery, my workloads. But of course in most circumstances it wasn’t work the biggest culprit here. I have no one and nothing to blame for but myself. I created all the qualms of my life because I imprinted high standards. Now I am drowning.


So at 5 A.M. I decided to take a walk with my iPod and the new earphones I bought from Target. I originally planned of buying Bose’s IE2 headphones with mic, which was perfect for the iPhone. The price however was ridiculously high that I ended up getting a $15 headphones made by a cheap brand. It sounded good and turned out to be a keeper.

The neighborhood was asleep and here I was soaking at the opposite of the entire population. It was a bit cold today and I stupidly left my jacket at home. Right around the block I dragged myself back home, snatched my car keys and pocketbook, and took a drive instead.

It was stuffy inside the SUV. There were marks of spilled coffee around the cup holder and visible white dusts decorated the dashboard. I made a mental note to get a car wash and call the dealer for a service appointment when the maintenance light blinked. Then it stayed on. I rolled the windows down and cold breeze slapped my face and blew my hair away. I had to spit few strands of hair after I rolled the windows back up while waiting for the green light at a neighboring intersection. No one was on the road and the traffic light above swayed along the direction of the wind. I gathered my tangled hair up and tied it with a chocolate-brown rubber band dangling around my wrist, puffed my bangs sticking on my forehead.

Crossing along the quiet residential roads next town was something I haven’t done for a while now. Weekends were spent lately at home working on anything I could think of besides left over projects --from my job. Few minutes went by and giant houses with two and three car garages came in to view.

Wow – the only word came out of my mouth. How can these people afford to pay such high maintenance and a land screaming for higher tax payments? Here I was struggling for monthly utility bills, high mortgage payments, car related bills, credit bills, and more of those crappy bills, and then there they were in a spitting image of wealthy lifestyle. What have I done wrong? It was hard for me to digest the luxury presented before my eyes. There were also new constructions nearby, some were in early stages and few were in their final phases before completion. Luxury cars would soon be parked next to them.

Jealousy may not be the exact word to describe such feeling I went through at that moment. No, it can’t be that word – I prefer pity. Self-pity to be exact! People living in those houses must have nothing much to worry in life. They have everything, or at least almost everything they owned.

The road curved and the scenery flipped a bit differently. There were more trees and the lanes became wider. Aha! More houses – bigger than the previous town I drove by. I sighed and stretched my neck gawking at the height of some of the West Orange mansions. They were almost the same height of the trees. I parked the car next to the entrance of a public park and ogled the surrounding area. I rolled the windows down to smell the rich air from the wealth of the town. Who knows maybe their lifestyle would rub on me and turned me in to…

I suddenly overheard voices. Across the street, I saw a woman wearing pink sweatshirt and sweatpants, a somewhat two or three year old little girl clutched to her side. They were walking fast toward a black car parked in front of the house. A man followed behind wearing a black suit that covered a white shirt inside and a black tie hanging in front, black pants and black business shoes. They were talking – no – they were yelling at each other. I contemplated to roll my windows back up and in the end gave in to my shameless curiosity. I kept the windows wide open.

The man (I assumed to be the husband) grabbed the woman’s arm, but she quickly pushed him away while the kid started to cry. “Let me go, let me go,” she said. The man kept his distance. I wondered if he realized how many of the word “please” came out of his mouth. “Stop following us,” was the last phrase I heard from the woman (the wife, maybe?) before the car screeched out of the drive way leaving the man in a black suite, alone. He balled his fingers to a fist, pounded them against his forehead, merely stood there for a good four minutes, maybe five. Then his eyes switched to my direction. Shh-i-i--!

I quickly turned on the engine and left. I stopped by at the Starbucks to calm down, bought a Grande white chocolate mocha and headed home.

At that very moment, I knew my life wasn’t that bad after all.



~

Drinking Naked while Listening to the Sound of Silence

I was working last night and woke up late this morning. I opened my eyes and realized for the first time I didn’t know what to do on a bright Saturday morning. I dragged myself out of bed, went down stairs, and grabbed the first thing I saw from the fridge – a bottle of green machine called Naked, a blended juice smoothie. I squinted against the light shining bright from my kitchen window. It seemed lovely outside, I thought.


Then without a set of direction I headed to the living room and slumped down the couch. I was never a huge living room type of person because I was more of a bedroom person. I did all my work and leisure time in the privacy of my own room.


The smoothie tasted more like a juice to me, mixed with apples, banana, pineapple, and mango flavors and coupled with a hint of vegetables, I didn’t recognize the specifics. I peaked at the list of ingredients and it elaborated about ten different green vegetables. Some of them I didn’t even know. The expiration date reads Mar 08 11. Good enough for me and I took another gulp from the plastic bottle.


What am I doing here? I should go back upstairs and finish my requirements and test plans for my upcoming project. I shouldn’t be wasting time. But then I stayed unmoved and sucked in a deep breath. I told myself that work will just gonna have to wait.


I really liked the feel of the pillows smooched against my back, eyes closed and breathing controlled. Quiet, I thought at first. But then I started hearing different sounds I never paid much attention in my eight years of residency in this house. The tick-tock-tick-tock sound of the wall clock my cousins gave us last Christmas annoyed me at first. Then I heard the momentary screeching of the tires and the motorbike across the street boomed and roared like a drum intro of a heavy metal song. Another car passed by and this time it felt like the tires just slowly rolled on the asphalt, I couldn’t describe the sound but to me it felt like light strums on a bass guitar. Was the car keeping under speed limit? I didn’t hear any music but the cadence of the venetian blind tapping against the glass window and the once in a while click-clack of the kitchen’s exhaust captured my senses. Once or twice I heard a sound of a plane high above me, like a thunder passing in slow motion. The fan of my computer slightly hummed. Combining these sounds made me feel like someone conducting an orchestra; the rhythmic sound playing in my ear swayed me and moved me to a place I’ve never been before.


Then out of the blue everything else muted except the ringing tone of my phone suddenly k-e-r-r-e-n-g-e-d next to me. Encore, maybe? I forced my eyes to open up so I could check the Caller ID. The incoming call showing an 8YY number was just a disturbance of my peace – Telemarketer!


I better get back to work…

Movie Night with At First Sight

I just finished watching the movie “At First Sight” played by Val Kilmer. The movie was very touching and intimate at times. I suddenly wanted to capture every moments, the sequence of events that happened, the mixed emotions I felt and I wanted to write them all down here before I forget.


I remembered I once saw this movie back when I was younger, I don’t really know how long ago that was but I still remember bits and pieces of it. So tonight when I found the movie title from Cinemax on my On Demand channel, I decided to give it a try after eating dinner.

And you know what? It made me cry and it made me feel bad for the blind man only to realize in the end that I shouldn’t feel bad for him at all.

The story was a bout this blind masseur in Pinecrest. Anyway this one woman named Amy (she was an architect) needed to take a vacation to relax and unwind. So when she arrived in town and checked in to a spa, she requested for something relaxing that didn’t include exercise – she was recommended for a massage. She met a man named Virgil where she had her first massage. At first she didn’t even know Virgil was blind and then when she came after him next to a school bus that was when she found out he couldn’t see. They got to know each other and fell in love. Then one day Amy brought up an opportunity for Virgil to be able to see by meeting a doctor she found from an article, but when she told Virgil about it he became mad. The following day when Amy came to say goodbye to him, Virgil told Amy about the number of steps he needed to walk toward a tree. And if he slowed down or didn’t pay attention that he’ll miss the count and end up bumping into a tree. It was an analogy that made Amy stay for the night with him and when Virgil woke up in the middle of the night he looked worried not having Amy next to him. In the morning Virgil decided to go to NY and see the eye doctor where he agreed for an operation. The result was positive at first, allowing him to see. He had a problem with perception and was dependent mostly with his sense of touch.

I liked the part where he wanted to see Amy – all of her. It was very intimate and very romantic. I also liked when Virgil saw Amy kissed her ex-husband and I felt what Virgil felt. He was jealous and then he was frustrated with people dancing at the party and realized he didn’t belong to the crowd. He just wanted to come home. Then black outs started and when he went to see the doctor he was told that he’s going blind again. Just having that realization broke my heart knowing that soon Virgil will never see daylight again. Virgil went to see his father who had left him and his sister when they were younger. Virgil then asked him why he left them. I saw the tears in Virgil’s eyes and the tears that trickled down his cheeks. I saw the tears formed on his father’s eyes and it squeezed my heart to see them hurting. Virgil didn’t tell Amy right away and instead asked Amy to go watch a hockey game with him. Then Virgil saw the cotton candy. He had a childhood memory with his father where the last thing he saw was something fluffy.

Virgil decided to come back home to his hometown, alone where he left Amy in NY. I understood that he did this to himself because he knew there was nothing left for him and Amy together in the future. He’s going blind and Amy expected more from him, something he could never give to her anymore. He left Amy who was in tears. I thought Amy would stop him but she just stayed sitting on the floor, crying. I cried with her because I knew how much she loved him and I knew she only wanted the best for him.

Then another tear-jerker moment was when Virgil told his sister that she didn’t need to take care of him anymore. That she was beautiful and that she had done so many great things for him and that it’s about time she start to think for herself. It was his way of reaching out, he said. The way he told her how thankful he was to her and how much he loved her was very emotional, I couldn’t help myself but go with the flow of tears.

Then Virgil ended up working at the school for the blind when he came back to New York. That’s right, I never thought he’d come back to New York, but he did. And he embraced his disability and at the end when he was sitting on a bench with his new dog, Amy came to see him and apologized for moving too fast that led to their problems together. When she looked at him I knew she still had feelings for him and I knew right then and there that they’ll get back together. Well, the movie ended and left me wanting for more. The credits had mentioned that the movie was inspired by a true life story and that the real characters got back together and they got married and moved to Atlanta. [Maybe not exactly the way it happened, but I chose to believe that was what happened.]

Not that many movies out there that could make me cry as much as it did for me tonight for this movie. I cried because somehow I felt like I could relate to the characters, to their emotions, their love, and their struggles in life.

The story also made me realize how lucky I am for just being me – to be able to see everything. I looked around my own bedroom tonight and realized I didn’t have that much of a space to begin with, but I loved the look and feel of it and I am happy just to live a simple life.